Tuesday, October 25, 2005

i'm tired. of everything i think. it'll be nice to just let it all go but being the human beings that we are, we hold onto everything and dissect that lastest pieces of information until we screw ourselves over a million times and still, NO ANSWERS! whywhywhy. i don't understand why. i don't understand why you just can't come out and say it, why you don't open up, why you love to blame it on everyone else. are we so horrible to you? what did i ever to do you? nothingnothingnothing. and if i did, i'm sorry. i'm sorry that you're hurt because i know how it feels. but do you really have to bring it upon everyone else? do you have to make everyone else miserable along with, well, you? do you have to depict the mood of the majority every single time? don't you feel selfish? and you, i inwardly cringed today when i heard what you had to say. i guess on the outside i was grinning or laughing at some joke being made but honestly, most of my free thoughts during that period of time were focused on the future, what's gonna happen? the worst case scenarios, for me anyway. then i found myself reflecting. why was i falling in hate with the "worst", why was it so bad? why couldn't i breathe, why did i find myself wanting to scream. why? my immediate reaction would be to think that i was jealous. but of WHAT? there's nothing you have that i want! and everything that i have.. i treasure with all my heart. why do i want to escape so badly? i've built a wall around my emotions and learnt to keep it up when i'm around yous. there are people i want to trust and people i trust, both of whom are so true to me. isn't it superficial how we act like it's always one big party? in some ways it is, isn't it? intoxicate yourself with the laughter, equate smiling with being happy. i feel like such a flake most of the time and i know that i'm not the only one. so why then do we do it? i guess it's nice to have people to rely on, to be with. i guess it helps in the transactions, in the days, in the weeks,months,years. it's all part and parcel of life as we know it. it's so silly, but ironically, i wouldnt have it any other way. it makes it so much easier, nicer, better. but when it's time to say goodbye, there are the people who i know i'll be saying 'seeya soon, dear!' to and then there are the people who i'll be saying 'we MUST meet up soon' to, secretly knowing that we both know that 'must' is about as comfirmed and needed as the 'soon'. but by and by, everything still fits in so nicely into packaged memories and lovely sketches displayed nicely in our memory boxes. when we look back, we're allowed to smile and say, yeah it was fun. but sometimes it irks me that that's all it is, apart from the bitching and backstabbing parts at times. but there are the times when i'm glad because so what, those times were fun, but along the way, amidst the fun times and the bitchy knife-in-the-back s, real friendships were formed. funny how while thinking this i'm transported back to promary school days where things, though seemingly difficult then and supposedly simpler looking back now, are all the same. we never changed, our relationships with others, though matured, never changed. it's wonderful, intriguing and yet disgusting and appalling at the same time. i'm taken and mesmerized and everything in between. so many things are happening now which i anticipated 'for the future' when i was 12 and now that they're happening, like some damn storyline outta a bloody francine pascal book or even the shortest of stories, it's catching me offguard at times, and pleasantly surprising me at others. i'm thrilled and horrified, what a whirlwind of emotions eh. lovelove. but it is necessary? thinking about the history and the what-is-gonna-happen s. is it really necessary? by doing that, are we hindering our moving on process? there will always be times when we sit and ponder upon our past thoughts or actions, scrutinising them, wincing or laughing in hurt, shame, embarrassment or amusement. the future, the future. the unknown or is it predictable, after all? can we mould our own fate, or is it simply.. fate? somehow i don't believe in fate. we were given freewill for a reason. so if what i want, i could get.. would that make me happy? yesyes yes it would. sighs if only it was so easy. you know what really sucks which i find to be one of the most irritating and annoying and outright judgemental and whatnot thing ever? when people are so bloody horrible about what you care about. they don't know the whole story and they judge you based on what they see. for example, if you took time to find out what goes on behind the shared table, you would see that that's not what we're all about or sometimes what we want 'us' to be about. it just simply, is. for the simple reason that sometimes it's the only common topic which would keep the queen bee happy. *smirks. but then, that's the most hypocritical thing for me to say, ever. why? because we all do it. we look at the girl dressed, in our eyes, like the school slut and we think 'bitch'. but then we don't bother looking down at our own folded skirts now, eh. ok, exaggerated totally untrue example but i'm running outta analogies here. but that's kinda what happens. i try not to judge people without giving them a chance to prove themselves. i try. but then, it's not easy, is it? human nature is a disgusting thing. but it does hurt, knowing that others think. sometimes it's better not to know. sometimes it's better not to know.





Savage Garden
Affirmation

I believe the sun should never set upon an argument
I believe we place our happiness in other people's hands
I believe that junk food tastes so good because it's bad for you
I believe your parents did the best job they knew how to do
I believe that beauty magazines promote low self esteem
I believe I'm loved when I'm completely by myself alone

I believe in Karma what you give is what you get returned
I believe you can't appreciate real love until you've been burned
I believe the grass is more greener on the other side
I believe you don't know what you've got until you say goodbye

I believe you can't control or choose your sexuality
I believe that trust is more important than monogamy
I believe that your most attractive features are your heart and soul
I believe that family is worth more than money or gold
I believe the struggle for financial freedom is unfair
I believe the only ones who disagree are millionaires

I believe in Karma what you give is what you get returned
I believe you can't appreciate real love until you've been burned
I believe the grass is more greener on the other side
I believe you don't know what you've got until you say goodbye

I believe forgiveness is the key to your unhappiness
I believe that wedded bliss negates the need to be undressed
I believe that God does not endorse TV evangelists
I believe in love surviving death into eternity

I believe in Karma what you give is what you get returned
I believe you can't appreciate real love until you've been burned
I believe the grass is more greener on the other side
I believe you don't know what you've got until you say goodbye


-lovess.


*edited.

ex-oh, ex-oh
11:18 PM